Who's Gretchen?...
It's Me...
But Gretchen isn't Isha...
You see Isha is the cleaned up version of me. The one I introduce myself as and the person who displays the best behavioral traits; the traits I've often associated with perfection. When I came to Christ, I thought only God could love the cleaned-up ones, so I worked hard to clean up Isha and present the most beautiful part of me to the world. I began to embrace my first name, Isha, when I went away to college, which was also when I gave my life to Christ at age 18.
It's been a while since I've openly embraced "Gretchen", but I've come to realize that because Gretchen is yet still a part of me it's time to unmask my soul and allow even that part to be healed. Gretchen has always been lingering underneath in some of the ways I respond in a particular situation or event.
ISHA VON GRETCHEN...
When I hear anyone call me Gretchen if I'm not in my home town, I usually cringe because it is the name I identify with before giving my life to Christ. At the same time, it can also be heartwarming because if someone calls me Gretchen, they KNOW-KNOW me... It is the name my family, my close-close friends and the 75670 call me... That's anyone from Marshall, Texas... it's like how the theme song from the old hit TV show "Cheers" goes...It is the place "where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came." It is home.
WORKS
Since that August 13, 1995, I'd tried to do all I could to change and make sure that people only saw Isha, but Gretchen kept popping up. The soul-ish part of me, that I thought I'd left behind, seemed to keep rearing its head. The most significant part about that statement is that the changing I'm speaking of had been a change by my own WORKS rather than a true surrender. Not fully embracing Ephesians 2:8-9 that says "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—(9) NOT BY WORKS, so that no one can boast."
Isn't is a beautiful thing when you can see clearly; to feel from the depths of your soul a sense of hope that wholeness is possible. Going from eyes wide shut to eyes wide open is the place I'm coming to now, a place to allow the Lord to love ALL OF ME... He's Getting Gretchen. I didn't think Gretchen was worthy. I’m going beyond the veil of my own life and letting Him in to the inner parts of my heart and into the deepest parts of my being.
Why now?...
Because it's time...PERIOD!
I've come to realize and accept the jealousy of God. Anything that we try to hide from Him or put before Him can be considered an idol and is therefore sinful. In some weird way, it seemed that the part of me who is Gretchen, I was shielding from God. Exodus 20:3 says "You should have no god before me." Not even ourselves or our own desires. NOTHING!
IDOLS and DESIRES
There have been some desires that I've long held in my heart that have become idols. When I came to Christ 25 years ago, my main desire was the restoration of the sense of family in my life.
As many know, when I was nine years old, my mother was kidnapped and my oldest sister was murdered by a serial killer. That left me with an emotional debt that was like a black hole. I longed to have it filled. It was, and still is in many ways, a childhood wound that is being healed.
I've wanted my Mom. I wanted the restoration of the relationship with her. I've longed for a relationship so similar to it that feels like home, it feels like my Mom and my mom would embrace Gretchen; the wounded part of me. While I have amazing aunts and mentors, it has often felt like the fullness of the mother-daughter relationship has been elusive in my life so I idolized the restoration of it.
I know it sounds contradictory and many may be quick to say “Didn't you have a family? A marriage?!”
Well,...
From EYES WIDE SHUT to EYES WIDE OPEN
Let me offer you a bit of insight into what happened in my household...
There were many times in my home I could hear myself acting like a foolish woman. And then I would recall Proverbs 14:1, "The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish pulls it down with her hands." My prior husband married Isha... He didn't know Gretchen in full until 10 years into our marriage. When we got married, I left Gretchen out of the equation because Isha is easy to love.... Gretchen, not so much. Isha is sweet and nice, kind and gentle and has more love than can be contained. She's funny and witty. Gretchen is sharp mouthed, contentious, nagging, and as my god-mom would say, a discontented woman.
The part of me that is Gretchen would not yield nor submit for anything. I was still the scared little girl hanging on for dear life looking for the safety of her mother's embrace. I'd not realized that part of my life had not been surrendered to Christ. The wounded Gretchen clawed and emotionally fought back with passive aggression that could chill any room. That kind of person could never sustain a marriage or a family. Proverbs 25:24 says "It is better to live in a corner of the roof than in a house shared with a contentious (nagging) woman."
So when I say, in the beginning, I left Gretchen out of the equation of my marriage, it is because Isha said "I do", but Gretchen often showed up in different ways in my home life.
I wanted God to do something for me, and He did, but I was so afraid and that fear caused me to be unwilling or unable to give all of myself to my now prior-husband or to the Lord in full. If I'd not yielded myself to God, how could I maintain the blessing of a healthy marriage or family? God gave me something so precious but only His power living inside of me in full could sustain it.
I know that God gives second chances and His promises are true. In time, I trust that my heart's desire for marriage and the restoration of family will come and by then I will be in a more healthy place to receive and keep it.
MOM and MENTOR
My mentor and Godmom calls me by my first name, Isha. However, she often had to contend with Gretchen. Neither she nor the Mr., I believe, were equipped to handle that woman...I would even dare say no man really desires to or is really prepared to deal with a woman like that. Although I wanted that part of me to be changed, I really didn't know how. It stands to reason that no matter how long we have been walking in faith, there will always be things that need the cross of Christ. We are wise to realize this.
GRETCHEN, meet JESUS...
JESUS, meet GRETCHEN.
I'M READY!
Within the last year, I was privileged to meet a person who gave me a safe place to be open and vulnerable. They gave me space to let my guard down and be ministered to. It has been a beautiful thing.
As we embrace the wisdom of true surrender, here are a few things I would like you to keep in mind:
1. DON'T RUSH your process.
2. DON'T compare yourself to others.
3. ALLOW God to introduce himself to your wounded and broken areas.
4. SURRENDER those parts to God's consumptive LOVE and let him bring the course correction you need.
For a long time, I found it difficult being real and embracing my truth. It has been quite liberating to take off the mask and face the real me. I challenge you today, to just try it. Takeoff the mask. THE REAL YOU awaits!