"Looking Good But Doing Oh So Bad"
It is possible to beautify a monster. To put makeup on it, style the hair to perfection, do its nails and toes, dress it beautifully and even make it smell exquisite…but underneath all of the glam and razzle dazzle it is still a monster. Filled with rage, anger, weakness, frustration, disappointment and vulnerability.
The monster was me…
I was so angry…
I was frustrated…
I was weak…
I was disappointed
And I was vulnerable…
But why? At who? When did I become all of these things at one time? I now know where it started. It actually was someone else’s fault. Someone was to blame for my frustration, bitterness and anger. But why did I take it out on others? Especially those who would dare get close to me and try to love me. Didn’t I know that even how I respond to someone else’s wrong behavior was my responsibility? Nope…Well, yes…but…
I had expectations and anyone who didn’t live up to my expectations was met with the wrath of Isha Von Gretchen. My cold, passive aggression shot out like a dagger to the soul of anyone who offended me, and I had no remorse. None, not a drop. At least not in the moment when I was acting out. Perhaps I’d feel bad later, but in that moment, I felt my attitude was warranted. The peak of my despicable behavior was when I was unfaithful in my marriage. I was wrong. But I chose to do it. Was I advised not to? Absolutely! Did I still choose to make the choice? Unfortunately, yes. Perhaps I could be forgiven for it and I even was forgiven. Perhaps I could have gotten things right if I had done it once…but I didn’t stop. I carried on…for years.
What a hypocrite!
What made it hypocritical? My proclamation that I’d found Jesus at 18, but here I was at 34 engrossed in something so ungodly. And the most interesting thing about that was in all honesty, I didn’t “find Jesus” at 18. I ran to the church because my heart was broken by what I thought was love and I saw church as an easy escape. Even more hypocritical was that I didn’t even trust God enough to fix me. I held back the actual part of me that I ran to him to fix. My broken heart. I got lost and hid behind the work of the church and used it to cover up the reason I came to the Lord in the first place. I started building on a faulty foundation. I didn’t trust God with my whole heart.
Why did I do that though? Because I was scared. It seemed that every person that I loved left. It began when I was 9, on September 11, 1986 with the kidnapping and murder of my mom and oldest sister. My mom was kidnapped that day they both were murdered, but our family did not find out what happened to them for 21 years.
This is why part of my life’s focus is “the impact of childhood trauma, abuse and neglect on adult behavior”. In one of my latest sessions with my therapist, we were discussing love and my interpretation and display of love. I was explaining how I felt a void as I was sharing some of my past and present behaviors both good and bad. He told me that it all ties back to my mom and sister. My therapist is great, but he’s got his work cut out for him helping me. We’ve both got work to do, but I’m up for the challenge.
In the past I was hiding my monstrous behavior behind the Cross of Christ rather than submitting it to the cross as a transgression and iniquity where it can be washed by the blood of Jesus.
I can speak on these things now, because I’m on the path to healing, wholeness and self-discovery. However, five to ten years ago, I would never have owned nor accept that I was actively displaying this type of behavior and destroying things around me. Usually my displays were done in private, at home or to anyone who would try to love me.
I was demented. I was sick in my soul. I had a sick mind. I was damaged. I double dog dared anyone to love me. If they did, I’d hurt them before they hurt me or left me because I “knew they would” eventually. So, I pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed…until I pushed them away. That was the monster in me. The mentally sick “Christian” who refuses help is a danger to society. More self-righteous than Satan himself. Damning others to hell while exalting self on a pedestal all in the name of the Lord.
Yet, there was still hope that I could disrobe the monster and truly lay down the ugly being and become as attractive on the inside as I portrayed on the outside. Even more beautiful is that, God’s love is so pure and complete that those who I’ve pushed away with my behavior and actions love the me that God sees. Through it all, they love Isha Von Gretchen even when I’ve been unloving. For this, I’m grateful.